blahrgg.

pursuing a completely solo endeavor like learning an instrument can be fun, challenging, rewarding, and frustrating. there are many ups and downs, starts, stops, and plateaus. obviously, i'm going to focus on the frustration part today because i'm frustrated. duh.

being a solo endeavor it means it's done... alone, i suppose. not having anyone to work with means there's no objectivity, no input, no critiques, and no one to keep you on track. it's all self-monitored. those are the things i certainly could stand to use at this point just to keep me pointed in the right direction. i find myself sort of pointing in different directions a little too frequently. i'll get onto one vector and be all-in and think that yes, this is the correct course of study. and sure enough, i'll drift off course on to something else that will feel equally as valid. what i have been lacking, though is a true goal. a northstar to always be at least somewhat pointed towards and "be a better musician" isn't quite in focus enough.

over the past few years i've learned a lot. i've gotten a glimpse at what i like about music and what i don't... and what is peripheral to what i actually want out of music. it can get hard to tell what's peripheral and what's an actual direction towards the destination. for example, i can often get trapped in the mode where i'll be all about practicing a certain thing, whatever it may be, and develop blinders to where i lose sight of why i'm practicing it and don't apply it to anything in a musical way. so... what's the point of practicing whatever it may be then? beats me. 

i guess in some way in my head i think as long as i'm practicing something i'm still headed in the right direction. and maybe that's true. partially. yes, i'm still playing something, using my fingers, thinking about theory or whatever, and that keeps things in shape for sure, but i would hardly say it's progress. when the dust settles in my personal life i need to sit down and really hash out a true specific goal and plot a course.