so technically i've been playing for about 28 years. i mean, on paper i got my first bass when i was in 8th grade. ever since then if someone were to ask me if i play bass (or guitar) i'd say, "yes", of course. i mean, isn't that really the only qualification to be a bassist, simply owning one? for some people it certainly is. not me, though.
back in my teens everyone i knew played something. we all played something in bands together. my house became the place for everyone to gather and jam. the basement had a more-or-less permanent drum kit, plenty of guitars and basses, amps, and some mics. there was pretty much an open-door policy and there was always people just showing up and jams would happen. those were good times. but i digress.
i had the gear. i played often. i played in bands. we recorded at studios, some more legit than others. by most measures i was a bassist. but here's the thing, and i don't believe i've ever said it out loud before, or in writing, but even back then when i'd say "i'm a bassist", it was said with a degree of fraudulence. yes, i identified as a bassist but didn't feel like truly was one. something didn't add up. even back then i couldn't identify it with words but i felt it. i walked the walk, i talked the talk, but i didn' think the thinks.
what i mean by that is i just didn't understand what i was doing. i was doing something, but i didn't understand it in the slightest. i seem to remember equating familiarity with the instrument and just playing around with actually knowing the instrument. i guess it's similar to being in like and in love with someone(thing)... they share similar ground, but really are quite different. one is rather superficial and the other can be quite deep. yes, i believe that's an apt analogy.
for some people a superficial familiarity with music is plenty. they can be a part of a thing, have cool basses, amps, and pedals, maybe play in a garage band and have fun. they can walk around and say "i'm a bassist, here's my band's instagram page as proof". that's it, they've done it, they're a bassist. that's awesome and i am happy for them.
that has never been the case for me. whenever i'd say, "i'm a bassist" i'd literally have a voice in my head saying "no you're not". i cannot stress this enough, that is actually what would be going through my head as i'd say the words. well, why is that? i think the short answer is i just didn't understand what i was doing. i was more or less mimicking other players. they were the bassists, i was just copying.
now, even i just said it, by most measure i was a bassist. but why didn't i see myself as one? i'm sure i was being hard on myself to a large degree, and still am, but i think it points to the fact that i knew i didn't know. what it was that i didn't know, i couldn't tell you... but i knew i was missing something vitally important. important enough that it made me feel like a phony. yuck.
i think we all know where i'm headed with this. obviously, what i was missing was knowledge of the instrument and of the language of music. those things aren't obvious to most people, so i don't feel bad for not knowing. i do feel bad that it took so long to figure things out. now, i'm not saying i've reached the goal line or anything, but i am at least in the game. if someone were to ask me today if i play bass i'd say, "yes, i am a bassist", with a bit less fraudulence.
